“I Wish I Had a Colon to Oscopy:” Why I Quit Whining About Preventative Health Procedures

For my New Year’s present to myself, I had my first colonoscopy. Don’t worry, I won’t share pictures (though the doc assured me they’re gorgeous).

From what I hear, colonoscopies are pretty much tied with root canals for Most Desired Procedure. I’ve since learned that, unlike root canals, the awfulness of the C-scope lies in the prep, not the actual procedure, during which one is switched off like a light by some kind of magic anesthesia. (I’m pretty sure it’s the same drug that Michael Jackson used to take to get good sleep, and I can now see the attraction–except for the horrible cotton-mouth afterwards).

But the prep? Drink a gallon of electrolytes–essentially salt water–in two sittings. That’s one half-gallon, followed by extensive toilet time that I won’t go into…then get up next morning, O joy, and drink another. Fast. Just thinking about it makes my stomach curdle.

I whined. Or I started to. Then my husband reminded me of two people dear to me: one who, at age 62, has no colon at all, and another who is no longer with us because she died. Of colon cancer. At age 42.

(orig. image courtesy publicdomainimages.net)

(orig. image courtesy publicdomainimages.net)

There’s nothing like considering the alternative to make one appreciate an unpleasant health procedure as a blessed opportunity. As my colon-less friend put it, “I wish I HAD a colon to oscopy!”

The same logic would apply to root canals, right? Just think of someone you know with dentures. Knee surgery? Wheelchair. Prostate exam? You see what I mean.

That doesn’t mean I’ll be waltzing in to my next mammogram singing, “Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to boob-squishing I go!” But I certainly will remind myself about my friends with breast cancer, and I’ll shut up.

I know I can get some testimonials here about the gift of preventative procedures. Please, share your story. What nasty procedure are you grateful for?

Girlfriend Getaways? You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet

So I emailed my guitar teacher last week to cancel the week’s lesson. “Heading to Massachusetts,” I told him.”It’s time for my annual get-together with my three best friends from high school.”

His response: “Oooh. Girls gone wild!”

Weeellll….not exACTLY. But he did get me thinking about how we could spice up what is otherwise, typically, four days of lying around, cooking, sharing book and movie titles and going on sedate hikes or paddle trips.

Girlfriend Getaway Idea #1: The Colonoscogetaway. 

I know, I know–nobody’s idea of fun, but bear with me here. Without divulging our ages, I can safely say that my 3 besties and I add up to more than a 200 year-old when we get together. So we’re all due for one of those…procedures. Why not increase the pleasure factor up to not-quite-negative numbers by doing it with some buddies? We could line up our clinic beds real close, watch each other’s scope screens, have a contest to see who gets done fastest…I better quit before the disgusting puns start.

(courtesy Pinterest)

“Hey, this ain’t so bad with you guys here!” (courtesy Pinterest

Girlfriend Getaway Idea #2: Colonoscogetaway Deluxe.

Same as #1, but with a simultaneous mani-pedi. Hey, if you’re just lying there…

Girlfriend Getaway Idea #3: Colonoscogetaway Deluxe Deluxe.

How about a facial while we’re at it?

Girlfriend Getaway Idea #4: OK-Enough-With-the-Colon-Thing, Musical Wine & Chocolate-Tasting.

Book of Mormon + Pinot Grigio + Sea-Salt 82% Cacao = !!!!!

(Courtesy Lynne Kelly Author, WANA commons)

(Courtesy Lynn Kelley Author, WANA commons)

Girlfriend Getaway Idea #5: Cooking Class & Male Stripper

“Then, you pinch the dumpling tightly so it won’t leak, and…OH yeah. OH my. Talk about pinching dumplings…!”

Girlfriend Getaway Idea #6: Book Study & Bike Trip

For the hardier, brainier gals…”SO… WHEN GATSBY SAYS THAT THING ABOUT OF COURSE YOU CAN CHANGE THE PAST…”

“WHAT? HOLD ON, LEMME CATCH UP TO YOU.”

“ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT CHAPTER FIVE? I CAN’T HEAR YOU GUYS.”

“THE GREEN LIGHT’S SYMBOLIC, RIGHT?”

“WE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THE GREEN LIGHT.”
“OH, GREEN? LET’S GO THEN…”

“NO, NO, IT’S RED, DON’T GO–LOOKOUT!!!!!!”     [crash]

OK, maybe forget about that one.

(Courtesy Lisa Hall-Wilson, WANA Commons)(Courtesy Lisa Hall-Wilson, WANAcommons)

How about you guys? Want to share some fun girlfriend getaway ideas, real or unreal? What’s worked for you? What hasn’t? What would you like to try?