I Want to Celebrate the Gay Marriage Opinion Without Rubbing Opponents’ Noses in it; Can I?

My first thought on hearing the news that gay marriage is now the law of our land: “Hallelujah!”

My second, third, and fourth thoughts were more along the lines of “Praise be!” “Finally!” “What a joyous day!”

Only much later (these first four thoughts took up most of my morning) did this thought surface: “Take THAT, you small-hearted legislators who want to keep other people from celebrating their honest love the same way you get to!”

This NY Times.com photo's caption reads, "Pooja Mandagere and Natalie Thompson celebrate the Supreme Court's decision" (NYTimes.com)

This NY Times.com photo’s caption reads, “Pooja Mandagere and Natalie Thompson celebrate the Supreme Court’s decision” (NYTimes.com)

I struggled with Thought #5 most of my bike ride home. The better angels of my nature want to believe that people who oppose gay marriage aren’t really MEAN, they’re just one loved-one away from understanding that gay marriage is about LOVE, the same love that they believe flows from God–or IS God.

The worse angels (are there worse angels?) whisper, “Forget ’em. People like that have made gays second-class citizens for generations, and they’re finally on the losing side of history. Why waste time understanding?”

I got my answer from an unlikely source: President Obama.

Arriving home just past noon, I heard The Mate call, “You’re just in time to hear the end of the President’s speech.” He was watching the funeral for Reverend Clementa Pinckney, the pastor of Charleston’s Mother Emanuel AME Church who was gunned down last week with eight other prayerful souls.

So I watched, and listened. And something the President said resonated with the conversation I’d just been having with my angels–even though it had absolutely nothing to do with gay marriage.

Reverend Pinckney once said, “Across the south, we have a deep appreciation of history. We haven’t always had a deep appreciation of each other’s history.”

He was talking about the racial divide, about the way one barred and starred flag could be so revered and so despised by the people of one region. But I almost felt he–or Rev. Pinckney–was talking to me.

I don’t mean to suggest by this that people who push legislation restricting gay rights need me to look deeply into their eyes and “appreciate” them. I think they are wrong, and the laws they support are wrong. But I DO think I need to force myself not to gloat over the Supreme Court’s decision in Obergefell v. Hodges.

I want to. Oh, I do. I want to dance down the Main Street of every town in every state that’s resisted this decision. But even more than that, just as in Charleston, I want to MOVE FORWARD, not create a backlash. Dylann Roof, the Charleston murderer, embodied the backlash against racial progress. I don’t want to help create the anti-gay version of that pathetic, hate-filled kid.

That means I need to listen, where I can, to voices I disagree with. I can argue–and I will. And I can pray for changes of heart, and hope that history will indeed be the judge of justice on this one. But I will try not to gloat. Gloating’s no way to achieve the amazing grace we are capable of reaching, now and then, even in this divided country.

And speaking of Amazing Grace, feel free to sing along with the Commander in Chief:

asfsaiwue oiu

Celebrating 60 Years of Marriage: You Go, Mom and Dad

What do sixty years mean?
Threescore. Memories of 1955.  A whole bunch of tree rings.
And in the case of my parents, a milestone on a long and winding road of marriage.

As my sisters and our spouses (or, as The Mate calls them, “spice”) and children gathered last week in San Antonio to celebrate our parents’ 60th anniversary, I mostly relaxed and gave myself over to family re-connection, food, and trying to stay cool. (Did I mention we were in San Antonio? In June? I used to be a Southerner, but after 25 years I’ve lost what little heat tolerance I ever had. Went for a run and thought I might die.)
But now that I’m home (aaaahhhh, nice dry 60s air!) I find myself reflecting on the significance of a 60-year marriage.
My own Mate and I have been hitched for 28, and that seems pretty impressive to us. More than twice that? That seems…at this point, frankly, unfathomable.

I hope we get to fathom it. I hope we get to be grandparents together, if our children so choose. I hope we get to sit around sharing memories of a wedding day so far back the mental pictures themselves have turned sepia.

"Photo by Satsuki "Sunshine" Scoville"

“Photo by Satsuki “Sunshine” Scoville”

I’m not worried about the hard work of marriage. After 28 years, who wouldn’t know about that? But 32 more…that’s a long time for two people to stay healthy.
So I’ll leave my reflections with a prayer of sorts from the second verse one of my songs, “Rocks of Ages.” Mom & Dad, this is dedicated to you…and to me and my Mate…and to any of you out there hoping to celebrate the same anniversary someday:

Albums in piles, stretching for miles,
Children and homes and careers.
Stacking our cares and blessings in layers,
Years upon years upon years.
Yeah, life’s mighty stratified, but I’m nothing but satisfied;
Let’s go ahead and grow old.
Call us sedimentary, we must’ve been meant to be
‘Cause the age that we’re heading for is looking like gold.

Rocks of ages, counting the stages
We entered into with these golden bands.
After all of our changes, the only thing strange is
How the earth still moves when you take my hand.

Wow, you guys. Thanks for the example.

Wow, you guys. Thanks for the example.

Got a partnership of your own to celebrate? Please do!

In memoriam: Charleston, South Carolina, June 17, 2015.

In memoriam: Charleston, South Carolina, June 17, 2015.

Photo by pbs.org

Photo by pbs.org

Pray for…whatever it is we need to pray for.

Adventures in Civic Pride Through Sport: “See-ATTLE….SOUNDers!”

I am not a soccer fan. But I’m NOT a not-a-soccer-fan in the way that I’m a not-an-American-football-fan. I actually LIKE soccer.

So while my posts about the Seattle Seahawks and their amazing successes as Super Bowl Champs and crowd-noise world record holders reflect my bemusement at myself for even caring, this post is less of a stretch for me. I’ve always wanted to see a really high-level soccer game, and now I have. True, I would rather be blogging about the women’s World Cup matches going on just north of us this summer. But those are a little harder to get to. The Mate and I have talked about going to a game in Seattle for years, and this past weekend, we finally made it.

But if you’re looking for good sports writing, I’ll have to refer you to SI. This post is more in the realm of cultural anthropology. Here are my field notes:

Evidently Seattle has wealthy donors, and taxpayers, willing to spend quite a bit for a large sports venue–and I do mean LARGE.

Whoa. So BIG.

Whoa. So BIG.

Looking north from Century Link Field (now there’s a name that rolls gracefully off the tongue), one sees the Seattle economy is apparently alive and well.

When did the Emerald City get so SHINY?

When did the Emerald City get so SHINY?

If one didn’t know the team was called the Sounders, one would think we were cheering for the Seattle XBOX. (Is there anther sport which places product names above team names? Maybe NASCAR?)

So my green T-shirt says "Lopez Fun Run," not "XBox." At least mine was free!

So my green T-shirt says “Lopez Fun Run,” not “XBox.” At least mine was free!

The Sounders brag about having the highest attendance in Major League Soccer, and that night they posted 41,000. But nearly the entire upper level of Century Link field’s seats was blocked off until football season, which tells you something about the relative popularity of the two sports. And the power of the 12th Man.

Fully a third of the seats...waiting for the OTHER "football."

Fully a third of the seats…waiting for the OTHER “football.”

The fan base appeared young…some REALLY young. But very prepared.

Responsible parenting reigns in Seattle.

Responsible parenting reigns in Seattle.

This major league team sport does not have cheerleaders. Or rather, the crowd is the cheerleader. (Or, to use the British grammar that dominates soccer-speak, “the crowd ARE the cheerleader.)

The only time I ever saw the crowd prompted to cheer...

The only time I ever saw the crowd prompted to cheer…

No one seemed to miss the cheerleaders; most of the crowd stood (and/or danced) the entire game. And the cheers were very British: “Come on, Seattle. Fight and win!” (Seriously.)

...and it worked! Scarves up!

…and it worked! Scarves up!

Cliff Dempsey being the only Sounder I knew by name (since he plays for the U.S. in World Cup action), I focused my camera on him. It turns out I am a terrible sports photographer.

Ironically, none of Seattle's three goals were scored by this man.

Ironically, none of Seattle’s three goals were scored by this man.

Seattle beat Dallas FC three-nil. That is the only time you’ll hear Americans say “nil.”

Sports Illustrated this ain't.

Sports Illustrated this ain’t.

To conclude this report, here are my (completely objective) findings:

Reasons why soccer is incredibly appealing to people like me and will therefore never replace American football:

–terrifically fast action with no breaks (Need to use the bathroom or get some more snacks? You’re on your own.)

–no cheerleaders (Standing up and dancing for 90 minutes? Wonderfully energizing. And don’t get me started on cheerleaders.)

–no protective gear, so you can really see those athletic bodies at work (although, seeing some of those header collisions…wow. If that were my kid…)

–the women’s game is just as high-powered and skilled as the men’s.

Reasons why soccer is unappealing to people like me and is therefore growing by leaps and bounds within American culture:

–corporate logos are more important than team names. (Say no more.)

–this sport of running and kicking a ball is much more violent than it looks. (And corrupt. But you already knew that.)

Overall? We had a great evening. Parking and beer cost twice as much as the hot dogs we bought on the street, but hey–someone’s got to pay for that stadium, right? And it was still cheaper than one of those jerseys. So, go XBOX! I mean Sounders!

 

Siege Gardens in Syria: The Ultimate Expression of Gardens as Hope

The new shoots of spring are an ancient metaphor of life and renewal, from the earliest human literature. Spring equals hope. Even the word, “spring,” connotes energy and forward movement.

What gardener doesn’t feel the joy of new produce, fresh from the earth? Or what eater, for that matter? Even now, when I’m not currently gardening (although I am enjoying the garden my son planted, my “grandgarden,”), I feel that rush of excitement. “Ooh! Baby greens!”

Now imagine what that means in wartime. In the middle of a besieged city. Last week I read this story in Al Jazeera online, and I knew I had to share it. 

The Damascus neighborhood of Yarmouk, according to the Al Jazeera story by Annia Ciezadlo, was established in 1957 as a refugee camp for displaced Palestinians, taking on a sad permanence as the Palestinian non-homeland issue calcified. But with the “Arab Spring” of 2011, Yarmouk stepped into a horrible new role:

When the rebellion against Assad began, in March 2011, displaced Syrians flooded into Yarmouk. Opposition groups like the Free Syrian Army began to clash with local pro-regime militias. On Dec. 16, 2012, the government sent Mig fighter jets to bomb a mosque, a hospital and four schools where displaced people had sought shelter.

From then on, the siege tightened every day. The government checkpoints in and out of Yarmouk would close for four days, then five, then six. Soldiers would confiscate any amount of food over a kilo. They would open bags of bread and count the pieces to make sure there were no more than 10.

Here’s what Yarmouk looked like, thanks to Assad’s fighter jets:

(Courtesy AFP/Getty Images)

(Courtesy AFP/Getty Images)

Into this desperate situation stepped the gardeners. According to the story, rooftop siege gardens were planted gradually, secretly, and communally. I’ll let Annia Ciezadlo tell it in her words:

“You can say that this was something psychological,” says Osama Jafra, the alias of an organizer for the Jafra Foundation, a community development group that started several of Yarmouk’s large communal gardens.

About six months into the siege, around the end of June 2013, a neighbor hailed Jafra on the street. Since Jafra worked for a charity group, the man asked, could he get him money to buy seeds?

“Why?” Jafra asked.

“Come. I’ll show you,” the man replied.

He took Jafra to one of the schools that warplanes had bombed six months earlier. In the abandoned courtyard, a playground was alive with flowers and greenery. With seeds, they could transform it into a vegetable garden.

Jafra made a deal with his neighbor: I’ll get you $50 for seeds if you agree to share them. The next day, Jafra recruited staffers and volunteers to cleaned up the camp to cultivate the abandoned play area. Neighbors saw what they were doing and began to help. Even children pitched in. They finished in four hours.

“When the people and the children started to work with us, everybody was so happy,” says Jafra. They planted dandelions, parsley, tomatoes, eggplants and lentils. They called it the Palestine Garden.

And so a transformation began among the urban inhabitants of Yarmouk. They discovered the secrets of farming, like the best time to water the garden — at night, so the precious water would not evaporate. They learned how certain plants, like fava beans, can renew exhausted soil. They found seeds and farming skills among the rural farmers who had fled to Yarmouk when drought and later war engulfed the Syrian countryside.

This story of hope and redemption has a terrible dark side.

In besieged Yarmouk, gardening is a matter of life or death. In June 2014, a government shell killed three men just outside one of the neighborhood gardens. At least two people have been shot and killed by snipers while foraging for wild greens. And anyone providing food, water or medical care is especially at risk of being assassinated, kidnapped by armed groups or disappeared by the government. In the first three months of 2015, as fighters from ISIL and Jahbat Al-Nusra were infiltrating the camp and preparing to take over, at least 10 nonviolent activists were killed.

That’s right. In Syria, gardening can get you killed. And yet…people garden.

(Courtesy Lens Young Yeidani, Al Jazeera)

(Courtesy Lens Young Yeidani, Al Jazeera)

I cannot think of a more powerful emblem of hope. Stories of war usually make me feel helpless, and this one no less so. I wish I could send these people some seeds, or money for equipment–anything to ease their task. But at the same time, reading this, I feel something more: gratitude and awe for these folks in Yarmouk, fighting a dictator one lettuce at a time.

Secret To a Happy Life: Choose Your Parents Wisely

Wish I could take credit for that idea. Wish I could take credit for my own blessed life. But I know better. There’s Providence, luck, fate–and then there are good role models and good genes. My mom gave me both.

Today (June 3) is her 80th birthday. 60 years ago this month she married my dad. I’m blessed to have both parents very vigorously in my life. But today is Mom’s day.

My mom is psyched to turn 80: a new age group for her to dominate in track! Here she is, just a few days ago, getting ready for the 80-and-up mile:

What I want to be when I grow up

What I want to be when I grow up

When she first married my dad back in 1955, Martha Smith was no athlete. The family joke is, she was probably in the worst shape of her life at age 20, and she looked terrific. Raising three kids, starting a farm and co-founding a school toughened her up, but then a new path opened. Some time in the late 1960s, my dad discovered distance running and immersed the whole family in it. And Martha Smith Klopfer discovered a hidden talent.

She was FAST. And tough. And competitive. At age 45, she held the national age group 10k record. But she also excelled at the marathon, with a personal best of 3:07. And she did all this with no team to support her, no coach but her husband, and a full-time job of raising teenagers, running a farm, and helping to guide the school she had helped to found.

Lest you imagine from her athletic creds that my mom’s a driven, Type-A personality–nothing could be further from the truth. More like “Type B…or, no, maybe C…but then again, B is nice, I could see B…” Time has always been a fluid substance for her. When I was in high school, the words, “I’m just going out to the barn for a few minutes,” spoken in late afternoon, became code for, “So someone else might want to think about fixing dinner if you want to eat before eight.”

With this in mind, it should come as no surprise that my mom’s also a poet. A very good poet. Here’s one of my favorites, written about something that happened between her own mother and the Guatemalan gardener she practically adopted:

 

Little Bird

 

I think I washed the windows too clean.

The little bird saw straight

through the living room and right out

the other side to the sky.

He flew fast, like a pelota, hit the glass,

fell to the ground and was still.

A drop of blood came out near his long beak.

I picked him up. Pobrecito.

He weighed nothing and did not move.

I wish that I had left the window dirty.

 

But I want to do good work for Mrs. Smith.

She is kind to me, tells me to sweep the patio

or trim bushes, even when they don’t need it.

I don’t want her to see this dead bird.

It would make her sad.

Quickly, I get the garden trowel,

dig a small hole under the Pyracantha,

cover the bird with earth and leaves.

I wipe the window clean again.

 

Once my mother came to visit.

Mrs. Smith helped pay for the flight.

She practiced Spanish with my old sick mother,

both of them laughing.

Later, I could not go to Guatemala

to help bury my mother.

My father and brothers had been killed.

The same people also wanted

me in a shallow grave.

 

Mrs. Smith comes out of the house.

“Good job, Manuelito,” she says.

I say, thank you Mom.

She thinks I call her “Ma’am,”

but she is my California mom.

She has made tamale pie for lunch.

She says she likes to cook for me,

though she doesn’t cook much

since Mr. Smith died.

 

We sit down to eat at the patio table.

Something moves under the Pyracantha.

I jump to my feet.

“Look! It’s still alive!”

I tell her how the little bird hit the window,

how I thought it was dead and buried it.

I dig it up and brush it off and lay it in her hand.

 

The little bird blinks and ruffles its feathers.

Mrs. Smith says,

“He was only stunned.

I’ll keep him safe until he can fly again.”

I love that poem. But poetry’s not Mom’s only art. She’s also a weaver. Wish I had a picture of one of her weavings to share, but you’ll have to imagine the gentle interplay of color and shape inspired by natural scenes.

Then there’s Carolina Friends School, about which I’ve written before. Click here to read about how she helped to found North Carolina’s first integrated school.

All in all, my mom has given me a good dozen reasons to look at her as a role model; I’ve only mentioned the most obvious here. But chief among those is Mom As Athlete. I mean, look at those legs! Here she is, biking down a mountainside in Greece at the tender age of 78:

Wheee!

Wheee!

So, to sum up: Character: check. Talent: check. Athleticism: check. Oh, and terrific genes, ’cause did I mention HER mom lived to one hundred and three?

So, yeah. Can I pick a parent or what? Pretty proud of myself for that.

Now’s your chance to brag on your own mom or dad or Significant Elder in your life. I love when you share.

 

The Funniest Two Guys No One I Know Seems To Know About: Key & Peele

Since I’m usually one of the least culturally-hip people I know (unless that hipness comprises the years when I was a) a high school student myself or b) teaching high school students), this fact surprises me: very few people I know seem to have heard about Key & Peele. 

The reason is probably lack of cable TV, or, on my island, lack of TV at all. But even across the country, with friends who share our irreverent sense of humor and social-justice politics, The Mate and I have been surprised at this response among our friends:

Us: Have you seen the Key & Peele sketch with Luther, Obama’s Anger Translator? Oh, and how ’bout the one about the Black substitute teacher who can’t pronounce the White kids’ names?

Friend: Key and who?

Us: Peele! Key and Peele! That’s Keegan Michael Key and Jordan Peele. They’re a comedy duo on Comedy Central.

Friend: Never heard of ’em.

Us: Oh. Well, they’re funny. They’re both mixed-race guys, so they can safely take on the race issue from both sides. And pretty much everything else.

You get the idea. Since the White House Correspondents Dinner last month, when Obama invited Keegan Key (“Luther”) to join him at the lectern, perhaps Key & Peele are finally more mainstream now. But just in case…watch this:

I know, right? To get the full flavor, you should really watch Jordan Peele’s Obama, with Key as Luther. But their language is a little too strong for this blog, so I’ll let you go there on your own.

And while you’re at it…check out the one about the substitute teacher!

And…you’re welcome.

Got a favorite K & P sketch you want to share? Or another comedy sketch you think I should know about? Go ahead–make me laugh.

 

Rain, Rain…Please Come (But Not Like in Texas)

Just a quick post (as summer is suddenly upon me and my bakery job is gobbling larger chunks of my life) to say…here is a picture of the happiest plant on my island right now:

Yes, there ARE cacti in the coastal northwest! But they shouldn't be this happy this time of year.

Yes, there ARE cacti in the coastal northwest! But they shouldn’t be this happy this time of year.

Something’s wrong with this picture. We’re supposed to be soggy this time of year, wiping our muddy boots, wondering whether today’s moisture will be morning, evening, or some of each.

Moisture? I hardly remember what that is. We’re in drought. Nothing like California, nothing even as bad as the eastern part of our state, Washington. But enough to remind me that our state name, The Evergreen State, is in danger. And enough for me to beg those of you who enjoy complaining about rain to please, just keep quiet for a little while.

Unless you live in Texas. Then you’re allowed to complain.

Hang in there, people! Mother Nature is definitely in charge. All we can do is help each other.

“Make Perfume, Not War”: Heavenly-Scented Social Reponsibility

How can you resist a tagline like that? As soon as I learned of The 7 Virtues Perfume Company, I knew I had to promote it. And I don’t even wear perfume!

I could dive right in and tell you about this inspiring Canadian company. But why don’t I let the 7 Virtues folks say it themselves? This is straight from their website:

Vision

Leave a better footprint on this planet than we found.

Values

  • We value the dignity and empowerment of others through jobs.
  • Jobs give others dignity and empowerment. We believe as a social enterprise we can use our buying power to support farmers and their families in nations rebuilding.
  • We do this by purchasing natural essential oils. We wish to ignite a cavalry of business to come and buy from suppliers in nations rebuilding.
  • When farmers can buy books and shoes for their children in a safe environment we will help reverse issues of poverty and war.
  • We believe in fragrances that are good for your skin. They are vegan, phthalate free, and paraben free. Good for the world. Good for your skin.

The 7 Virtues Beauty Inc. is a Canadian company based in Halifax, Nova Scotia. We believe we must flex our buying power to empower families in countries
that are rebuilding. Our made in Canada fragrance collection is created with essential oils from nations that are rebuilding including Haiti, Afghanistan and
the Middle East.

"Alphonsine is able to support her family harvesting patchouli in Rwanda" says the caption from this 7 Virtues photo

“Alphonsine is able to support her family harvesting patchouli in Rwanda” says the caption from this 7 Virtues photo

“Meeting our farmers in Rwanda and being welcomed into homes they built with their income from harvesting patchouli showed us the direct benefits of harnessing our buying power in the beauty industry for positive change. I could hear the birds singing loudly in the fields, a sign that the farm is organic, which makes our work even more impactful for our customers.”

Barb Stegemann, Founder, The 7 Virtues

I’ve read through the website and read several news stories about this company, and I can’t find a single thing to feel cynical about. If you do the same, and manage to find something to feel cynical about, do me the favor of keeping it to yourself, won’t you? Me, I plan to enjoy the knowledge that one small portion of an industry I normally snort at–cosmetics–is finding a way to make life better in some of our planet’s neediest places. And I’m ordering a couple of blend boxes (including “Noble Rose of Afghanistan” and Vetiver of Haiti”) for gifts.

This 7 Virtues photo's caption reads, "Female Afghan farmer at harvest time"

This 7 Virtues photo’s caption reads, “Female Afghan farmer at harvest time”

 

Perfume for Peace, rather than for more money in the pocket of Chanel, Inc? Makes scents to me. (Sorry–couldn’t resist.) Read about 7 Virtues and tell me what you think, ok?

Sending Love, Light, or What-Have-You: When Loaded Words Become Too Heavy

My sister had her hip replaced this week, halfway across the country. After spending the morning thinking about her–“Is she going under, right at this moment? Have they cut yet?”–I emailed my brother-in-law for an update. Telling him how I’d been fretting was not hard. But signing off was.

“Sending love”? True, but not sufficient.

“Sending love and healing”? Sounds like wishful thinking. Healing doesn’t sound like it’s mine to send, much as I wish it were.

“Holding you guys in the light”? Yikes.  This is what Quakers say, and my sisters and I were raised in Quaker traditions. But our upbringing was more on the social-justice side of Quakerism than the spiritual, and no one in our family talks this way.

“Praying for healing”? Well. Yes. That is exactly what I’m doing. But there’s no way I’m going to say that to my sister, or almost anyone else, unless I know for sure that they’re comfortable with that language. And, sadly, many of us are not.

Why is this? Over a series of walks, I’ve been pondering the way the words “I’ll be praying for you” have, due to (in my opinion) misuse, been hijacked by connotations of self-righteousness and judgement. If, when hearing those words, I analyze the thoughts behind them, passing them through a filter of what I know about the person speaking to determine that that person’s faith lacks any sense of superiority or condemnation, THEN I can accept being “prayed for.” But I don’t want to put my sister and brother-in-law through that exhausting process.

My friend Beth says she’s decided to go ahead and use the words, and trust that people will understand where they’re coming from and how they’re meant. I aspire to that higher stage of spiritual confidence, but I’m not there yet.

(Orig. image courtesy Nathan Brunner, Pinterest)

(Orig. image courtesy Nathan Brunner, Pinterest)

So for now I stick with  “Abrazos.” Somehow the Spanish sounds less cutesy to me than “Hugs”–much as I love hugs in any language. But one of these days, I might shock my family by telling them they’re in my prayers.

Yikes.Yikes. Nope–not there yet.

Self-portrait_with_Her_Daughter_by_Elisabeth-Louise_Vigée_Le_Brun

How do you deal with the issue of loaded words when there’s no other way to say what you mean? I would love to hear your thoughts.